Suicide...

It's been over a week since I've written! Ugh, life gets crazy, and this past week took the cake. Labor Day weekend was amazing! Stephen and I danced our weekend away at a cousin's wedding in Alabama, and spent some quality time with family we don't see that often. Tuesday came...back to school...laundry...back to the routine of things. Stephen rolled out around 3a.m on Wednesday morning....goodbyes are always hard. Church Wednesday night, get the kids in bed, take a hot bath...the phone rings around 10pm...nothing good really comes out of a phone call that late. The news, as I had expected, was literally Earth shattering. My cousin had committed suicide...on his birthday.

He was only 25, and he left our family in a lot of pain, and with too many unanswered questions. Just when I think I can't cry anymore, the tears come again...I can't help but wish I had reached out to him. Maybe sent a card or cookies occasionally. Of course I smiled at him, and hugged him at family events, made small chat...but I never took the time to really get to know him, it's sad to admit. It makes me wonder if he knew I cared. Do my other family members know how much I care? Do those around me know how much I care? I want to live my life intentionally...intentionally positively impacting others...it's what God made me to do.

This whole situation is sad. I keep thinking that it didn't have to end this way...that God had great plans for his life. He was more than what he was feeling at the moment he took his life.  I also keep thinking about my Aunt and Uncle...I can't stop seeing their pain, and grief...it was...indescribable, almost unending, like it engulfed them. It was hard to witness. It was hard to stand there knowing you could do nothing but be there and pray that being there helped them out in some way. I would have given anything to make their hurt stop.

I wonder if they will ever sleep again, eat without feeling nauseated...dream pleasant dreams...will they ever be able to smile again, and then I think of how much God loves them, and I know that somehow, someway, someday, they are going to be okay.  I know we serve a good God, and while this situation is not good, He will make good come from it. Right now, I pray God keeps my Aunt and Uncle and Cousins close to Him...that they will very much feel His comforting presence, that He will give them rest, and that this situation will draw them close to Him.